


Heavy from the hurt inside my veins

by BulletEmbrace



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: ADHD, Angst, Chris and Maddie are only mentioned, Depression, How Do I Tag, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:28:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29923095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BulletEmbrace/pseuds/BulletEmbrace
Summary: Buck never wanted Eddie to know how dark his head is, doesn’t want to be “exhausting”.But when Buck wakes up it’s a bad day and everything comes pouring out, Buck can’t stop it.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 203





	Heavy from the hurt inside my veins

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, first fic for this fandom. I’m completely obsessed and decided with the mid season finale coming up I’d have time to write some fics, starting off easy with a one shot but I’ve got a bunch of ideas to hopefully write.  
> Please be kind and constructive with any criticism.  
> Hope you all enjoy xx

Buck woke up with a heavy weight around him. His chest felt like it was caving in and the air was thick.

“Morning sleepy head” 

Eddie, His sunlight was standing in the doorway with a soft smile.   
“Morning” replied Buck quietly, scared if he talks too loud it’ll annoy Eddie.   
“Chris wants ‘My Bucks’ pancakes for breakfast, you up for it or should I distract him with a trip to the diner before school and I’ll bring you back coffee and those fancy bagels you like?”  
Buck really wanted to get up, if he wasn’t doing something useful why was he here at all but today it was all too much. He needed an hour to prepare himself for the day, cement his mask in place... maybe even call Dr Copeland.   
“Maybe option two” Buck said with a fake yawn and curled up small.   
Eddie laughed, walking to the edge of the bed he leaned down to kiss Bucks forehead. “No worries mi amor. Be back in about an hour.”   
Buck watched him leave, feeling the panic and overwhelming emptiness well up inside him.   
Holding his breath till he heard his boys leaving, front door banging behind them.   
Buck shattered.   
Gasping breaths clogged in his throat, hands shaking.   
Why did he feel like this.   
Why couldn’t he be normal.   
Looking around for his phone he hoped Dr Copeland would answer, she had given him an out of sessions emergency number for if he couldn’t use the tools to self calm. He never thought he would use the number, scared he’d be a burden on her even if it was her job but right now he couldn’t breathe and his brain was telling him he’d be better off not breathing anyway. He was scared.   
Flicking through his contacts he quickly reached the number and hit call.  
Ringing filled the room, one set, two set and on the third...   
“Hello, Dr Copeland speaking how can I help?”   
Buck was unsure what to say, feeling lost and like he didn’t deserve any help.   
“Hello? Is anyone there?”  
“...I’m sorry” he gasped out around butchered breaths.   
“Evan? Is that you? What’s happened?”   
“I can’t.. I can’t breathe.” He choked out.   
“Okay Evan, follow my count. Can you do that?” She sounded so calm.   
He nodded forgetting she couldn’t see.   
“Breath Evan, in two three, out two three four... in two three, out two three four.”   
He tried to follow it, small intakes and forceful slow exhales.   
“Good, keep going Evan. Now in two three four, out two three four five. Keep going.” She encouraged.   
Finally he felt like he was getting just enough oxygen to stop his head spinning, panic still heavy in his gut but no longer overtaking his lungs.   
“Thank you” he said softly.   
“That’s what I’m here for Evan, now let’s talk about what triggered this panic attack.”   
Buck ran his hand through his hair sitting on the edge of the bed.   
“I... I don’t know. I woke up with this weight in my chest, an emptiness inside and Eddie he was just... well Eddie and I didn’t want him to know. He can’t know.” Buck could feel the panic growing again reaching out to clench his lungs and tears rushed to his eyes.   
“So you still haven’t told him about your diagnosis? Evan we discussed this, Mental health does not mean you are broken or undeserving of love. You are not a burden.”  
Dr Copeland had been great for Buck, she helped him accept that having ADHD did not make him stupid or a nuisance, she had suggested Adderall to help slow the racing impulsive thoughts but Buck was adamant on not taking medication unless it was an absolute last resort. Accepting the other diagnosis had been more difficult, depression with suicidal ideation was harder to swallow. His parents always told him he was just being dramatic or looking for attention, to grow up and be a man. So hearing that he’d probably had depression since childhood on top of having undiagnosed ADHD and that not reviving the appropriate help could explain why he was such an unstable adult, well that was a lot to process.  
“I can’t tell him and you know why.” Buck sighed.   
“Evan, you need a support system. I can’t force you to open up but I strongly recommend you let someone in your life know what is going on. It doesn’t have to be Eddie if you are not ready, maybe even someone outside the firehouse.”   
Buck laughed, who did he have outside the firehouse family. He had no friends, no other family, the fire family was literally all he had in life.   
“Doc we both know there’s no else in my life and I can’t put this on any of them, it wouldn’t be fair to them.”   
“What about fair to yourself... you are important Evan. You have people who care about you and if they knew you were suffering alone in silence to try and protect them or not burden them, I’m pretty positive it would hurt them a hell of a lot more than anything you could tell them.”   
She made sense, Buck hated that he couldn’t argue with her and he lashed out at her for the first time...   
“Yeah cause I’m sure they’ll love hearing all about the crushing black hole inside me, the panic that grips me for no reason or how about the times my head begs me to stay inside a burning building and let the fire consume me, how it would look like an accident and no one would know the truth. The times I have to pull over so I don’t drive into a wall full speed or how about how easy it would of been to just nick my arm and bleed to death when I was on blood thinners and my whole world hated me.” Evan was so worked out near screaming down the phone in an almost manic state, he hadn’t heard the door open... but he heard the coffee splatter over the floor, the bagels thump and Eddie’s broken gasped... “Evan?”   
Buck was trembling now, the black hole inside him had swallowed his sunshine.   
Eddie looked wreaked, like someone had ripped his beating heart right out his chest.  
“Evan? Evan? Is everything okay? Evan answer me please.” Dr Copeland’s worried tone filtered through the phone breaking the moment.  
“Doc, I’m going to have to phone you back later. We are about to find out which one of us was right...” he hung up before she could reply, he’d apologise later if he made it through this shit show.   
“Eddie. Um.. when did you get home? I didn’t hear you come in.” Buck tried to stay calm, tried so hard to pretend this wasn’t happening.   
“Buck...” Eddie didn’t know what to say, could barely process what he’d heard.   
Was Buck suicidal? Did anyone know? Who was that on the phone? What the hell was he supposed to do now? 

Eddie scrubbed a hand over his face and came to sit next to Buck, mess forgotten in the hall.   
Buck was terrified. There was nowhere to hide now.   
Grabbing bucks hand Eddie looked into Buck’s eyes searching for answers...  
“Buck, cariño. Tell me what’s going on. Please don’t keep me shut out.”   
Buck couldn’t stop the tears, the weight was just too much today and he couldn’t understand why but maybe Eddie would stay and maybe he could help Buck stand under the weight of his own mind.   
“I.. I don’t know where to start.” He sobbed out.   
Eddie pulled him close, tucked him into his arms and held tight.   
“Let’s start at the beginning, mi amor”  
Buck was silent for awhile, gathering his thoughts. Does he start right at the beginning or just from when he started seeing Dr Copeland?   
“When.. when I was a kid I could never sit still, I was just a ball of energy and my parents hated it. Always shouting at me, telling me to tone it down, focus more, sit quietly with a toy. Anything to keep me out their way. It wasn’t really an issue till I went to school, I always had to be doing something, couldn’t focus in the class, my brain just jumping from one thought to the other. My grades sucked and that made my parents angry, they kept pushing saying I needed to apply myself more and they wouldn’t listen when I said I couldn’t take anything in. My teachers didn’t like me either, saw me as a class clown who demanded their attention.”   
Eddie listened carefully, unsure what this had to do with what he’d walked into earlier but Buck didn’t talk about his childhood or parents so this was all new information to him.   
“The older I got the harder things were, I felt alone all the time. My parents only paid attention when I had physical injuries so I got reckless, anything to get them to look at me. Maddie wasn’t around much by then, already in Doug’s clutches, I wanted to reach out tell her how bad things were but I was scared she’d think I was crazy. I learned to fake it, fake happiness and a carefree attitude. If no one knows then it ain’t real. Collage was easier, everyone was a little crazy and I was away from home so I could try and just be me. That went to shit.”   
Buck scoffed, remembering how he’d ended up in Maddie’s ER terrified someone would know the crash wasn’t quite the accident he said it was.   
“I messed up. Like always. I got thrown out of college for funding one to many parties and I panicked, I didn’t want to go back home, couldn’t face my parents disappointment... so I got on my bike and raced through the streets... I crashed. Told Maddie it was an accident but I knew that wasn’t really true, I didn’t do it on purpose but I also didn’t do anything to save myself.”   
Eddie’s heart was breaking, he didn’t know Buck had been in such a dark place through out his childhood, would never of guessed it. Eddie hugs Buck closer scared if he let go he might disappear.  
“I drifted around after that, never stayed in one place for long, bouncing from job to job. Kept myself distracted till I landed here in LA, where I found a home and a family. Things were better. I was settled for the first time in my life, most days I’m okay, some days I’m not so lucky. After everything with the bombing, tsunami and lawsuit... well there was only bad days. I couldn’t cope anymore so I reached out to a hotline, they passed along info on a therapist who could help me. Dr Copeland. She’s, well she’s great.”   
Buck pulled away to gauge Eddie’s reaction, he knew the tsunami and lawsuit where touchy subjects and they never talk about them except when Chris has a nightmare.  
Eddie was speechless, a lot to process but mainly he was shocked Buck was seeing a therapist and hadn’t told anyone, why did he feel the need to hide that?   
“Buck, you know seeing a therapist is nothing to be ashamed of? Right? Why wouldn’t you tell me or anyone else?”   
Buck looked away, “I.. Eddie I was scared. I thought maybe the team would hate me. After everything I put you all through, I thought maybe you would all think I was pathetic for it.”   
Eddie sighed, they had really hurt Buck without even knowing or really meaning too.   
“I’m so so sorry we ever made you feel like that. I promise on behalf of the whole team that we would of never treated you differently for needing help and I’m devastated you felt the need to hide from me.”   
“It’s not your fault Eddie it’s mine.”  
“Buck.. you can’t blame yourself for everything.”   
Buck looked back at him, seeing the tears in his eyes Buck decided not to fight that one right now.   
“Anyway, I started video sessions with her just before lockdown. She helped me sort through some surface issues and then we started working on the deeper issues... she diagnosed me with ADHD. Said I should of been diagnosed as a child if my parents had paid attention and she taught me some techniques to deal with the impulsive thoughts and actions and breathing exercises to try and focus myself if I can’t stay still. Then she diagnosed me with depression, which for me leads to suicidal ideation.”   
Buck didn’t want to say anything else, already sure his whole world was going to walk away.   
“Eddie.. are we going to break up now?” Asked Buck.   
“What?! No, no Querido. Why would you think that?”   
Eddie was completely shocked, why on earth would Buck think any of that would mean he didn’t love him anymore?   
Buck looked down, he didn’t want to hurt Eddie by bringing up the supermarket fight, they had never talked it through but his words had stuck with Buck rearing their ugly head on the bad days, like today.   
“I know I’m a lot to handle at the best of times, I thought if you knew everything else then you’d... well I thought maybe you’d think it was too much, I’m too much. I didn’t want you to feel like It was all about me, like my issues outweigh everyone else’s.” Buck stuttered his way through the explanation trying not to use the same words Eddie had that day, he didn’t want him to know the affect they’d had on Buck.   
“Oh god, Buck.. no one, especially me, thinks or feels like that!” Eddie was mad. Who the hell made Buck feel like that?!  
Buck felt the tears come again.   
“Eddie you don’t have to pretend, I know you feel like that and it’s okay but I swear I tried to be better, I tried to keep it all inside so I didn’t burden you. I need you to know how hard I tried and how sorry I am for ruining everything.”   
“Buck what are you talking about?! Why would you ever think I feel like that? You never have to hide how you feel from me you never have to change yourself... I love you Buck, I love every part you share with me. Te amo más que la vida misma.”   
Eddie’s heart hurt at how Buck clearly believed what he was saying, he clearly wasn’t doing a good enough job in showing Buck how much he loved him.   
“Eddie... you said it yourself.”   
“Said what Buck?!”   
“I’m exhausting...” Buck finally whispered.   
Eddie’s breath caught in his throat, heart beating into overdrive... this was his fault. He’d made Buck believe he was to much hassle. Oh god what had he done.   
“I can’t apologise enough for that day Buck, it’s not an excuse but I was angry, hurt and I just lashed out... I swear I didn’t mean it I just, I saw you and I didn’t know if I wanted to hug you or hit you. I missed you so much, I needed my best friend but I was so wrapped up in my own issues that I completely missed yours.”   
Buck just stared at him. Eddie would spend forever trying to make it right if that’s what it took.   
“I would of been there Eddie, lawsuit be damned. If you called I’d have come anytime, any day.”   
“I know Buck. I’ve always known that. You will always put everyone else before yourself and to be honest that was part of why I was so mad. You have such a big heart cariño and I knew even with how horrible I’d been treating you, you’d come running if I asked and that pissed me off.”   
Buck couldn’t really understand what Eddie was saying... he was mad because Buck cared?   
Eddie could see the gears turning in his head.   
“Buck, I know your struggling to understand what I’m saying. We can talk about it properly later but right now I want to talk more about what you were saying when I walked in...”   
Eddie took a deep breath.  
“Buck are you suicidal?”   
“No.” Replied Buck too fast.   
Eddie just gave him that look, the one that screams I know your lying try again.   
“No... not exactly.” Buck tried again.   
“It’s like... I’m not actively trying to die or planing anything. It’s more like... like say we are at a fire and the only exit is mostly blocked off but if I tried hard enough I’d definitely make it out? Well I just wouldn’t feel the need to try, I’d be okay with dying there. Everyday I have thoughts like that, I don’t go looking for ways to kill myself but if one finds me I wouldn’t fight to live. Apparently it’s called passive suicidal ideation, it’s where a person thinks about suicide or wishes they were dead or that they could die, but they don't actually have any plans to commit suicide.”   
“And you think that’s not the definition of suicidal? Buck just because you aren’t actively trying to kill your self doesn’t mean you aren’t suicidal...”   
Eddie felt his whole world had been shaken to its core, he knew Buck had his issues, low self esteem, nonexistent self worth and some levels of anxiety had been the obvious ones but never would he of considered Buck to be suicidal or having depression, the ADHD makes sense though and to be honest explains a lot.   
“Eddie I don’t know what you want me to say.”   
Buck felt exhausted, he was completely drained now and with it brought a numbness. He just wanted to go back to bed, sleep and not wake up. Never have to face this again.   
“I want you to promise you’ll try letting me in. I want to help in anyway I can, please let me help Buck. Please don’t shut me out.”   
Eddie begged, he needed to make this right and prove to Buck that he wouldn’t go anywhere. He couldn’t go anywhere because Buck and Chris, they were his whole damn world. His only reason for breathing and he needed Buck to know this.   
“I don’t know how to Eddie.” Sobbed Buck, everything hurt... it was all to much and nothing at the same time. Empty and overflowing all at once.   
“We can do this together, mi amor. I’ll be right here by your side, always.” Eddie promised, pulling him close again and pressing a kiss atop his head.   
“We do this together.”   
“You got my back?” Asked Buck softly.   
Eddie smiled.   
“Of course I do.” 


End file.
